I failed for about two hours today at being a patient, calm, and connected mom. I am experiencing sadness and frustration. I feel regret. I wish I made different choices a couple of hours ago…
As my husband is putting our sweet resilient children to sleep right now, I’m reflecting on how I’m going to let the rest of my night and the rest of my week go. How am I going to support myself? What structures do I need in place to make this week a week I stretch into a new and improved me?
I do have some power and intelligence to work with… And I’m thinking hey, why not blog about my struggle? Maybe this is part of my breakthrough story. I’m open to see where this goes…
Today I was challenged by my children being sneaky – while gleefully laughing – and sprinkling grated cheese inside their father’s water bottle and also around the kitchen. LOL, I can laugh about it now.
That particular moment was the last straw though. Because previous to that moment I was feeling physically ill, the living room was a well-played in mEsS, and I had just sat down for *25 seconds* after giving my precious 4 and 6 year old sons ALL the presence I could muster for an hour, having overcome all kinds of resistance… Plus it was time to make dinner, the sink was (is) still full of dirty dishes, and their dad had just left the room due to a work-related phone call.
It was the perfect storm for me to slip out of integrity.
I felt unwell and overwhelmed.
A lot seemed to be happening all at once. . .
I chose to react from an emotional place. Out of frustration, I chose to get controlling, have an irritated and harsh tone of voice, and move around quickly and roughly cleaning. Demanding the children to clean.
Oh did I mention that I have some kind of sinus allergy thing going on too?
After I act like that I feel depressed, drained of joy and connection. It’s not pleasant for my children and it hurts my consciousness.
I like to think of myself as being quite skilled at being with children – hence the blog and hence the reason I’ve spent the last 17 years helping to raise or raising children and hence why I plan to be a parenting coach one day soon.
So it’s really a blow to my pride when I choose rude rough angry mom behavior.
HOWEVER. These experiences of MY unique mistakes and MY unique human conditioning MUST have within them hidden gems for me and all who are in contact with me. It cannot be true that all other humans deserve space to be where they are at flaws and all, and that I on the other hand am supposed to be acting perfectly under all conditions.
Ha! No that’s not the case!
To err is human; to forgive, divine.
– Alexander Pope
By golly, I’m taking this parenting fail and I’m turning it into a #parentingwin!
I’m not going to wallow in guilt and shame – but I am going to let the feelings of regret move me and motivate me. I’m going to ask and answer these questions right now:
What is your spiritual practice looking like this week?
How is your self-care this week (look at diet, sleep, emotions, stress)?
What led up to you becoming impatient with your sons today?
How connected do you feel to your support network/community?
What small doable things can you do to move in the direction of feeling grounded, balanced, steady, and well-cared for?
Ah. I feel some expansion of spirit. I feel more curious. I feel a sense of self-love coming back.
I’m remembering that my children are meant to have me as their mom, flaws and all. I’m experiencing trust in the journey of my life. I feel like apologizing and making amends. I will do that tomorrow. ❤
One last point. As HARD as it is to admit this, I want to say out loud that I know why I got into the situation of being impatient with my children.
The honest truth is that I allowed myself to fall into a victim mentality for the last several days. When I live my life as if I’m a victim to this, that, and the other – I become passive and/or aggressive. I do not experience assertive power when I identify as a victim of life. And I either give away my power OR I overexert my power.
It can be difficult to switch back to living in the paradigm of taking 100% responsibility. Coming from a place of wanting to blame others or shame myself, it’s challenging to consider that the honest is truth is that I created the exact situation I’m experiencing.
Or consider the perspective that this experience is God shining the light perfectly into my world so I can see more clearly and get back on track.
How come I co-created this experience with the Divine?
How can I let this deepen my self-realization and connection to God?
When I ask these types of questions I feel my self-worth, I feel my belonging in my family, I feel grounded and sober.
Ah. Well. Now that I’m back in the paradigm of responsibility, I’m off to make the most it!